Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Heinen's Extreme Foods
The day starts off putting on the Heinen's grocery uniform. A blue button-down, khakis, and a pair of slip-resistant, laceless shoes. The extreme kicks in when I have to button my shirt--the extremely large buttons barely fit in the extremely small holes of my dress shirt. The final touch to the complete Heinen's uniform: the (extreme) name tag. Such a simple idea, this name tag, that allows customers to interact with me on a first-name basis, yet so extreme. The extremely long needle nearly pierces my extremely sensitive pectoral flesh. It gets extreme-er. The dash from the parking lot to the store entrance provides an extreme challenge as I dodge moms in mini-vans driving extremely over the speed limit, paying extremely little attention to stop signs, and struggling to the extreme with the difficult concept of pedestrians' right of way. More extreme awaits. I punch in at the time clock with extremely few seconds remaining before tardiness. "Cutting it close Weber," declares my manager. "Extremely," I reply. No more fooling around, extreme grocery bagging calls for extreme focus. "Good afternoon Linda, extreme day we're having." I put on my game face as my partner in crime, cashier Linda, returns the extremely warm hello. The items begin flying down the conveyor belt at an extreme rate. Bagging 101 calls for approximately six items per bag, I chuckle at this extremely inefficient standard as I toss upwards of a dozen items in one bag. An extreme no-no, more like an extreme slice of innovation. "What kind of bags mam?" I ask extremely politely. "How about both?" I raise my eyebrows, my kind of woman. "Living on the edge, absolutely," I say extremely approvingly. The workday continues without any sign of becoming less extreme. Linda and I nearly vaporize our checkout lane with our extreme scanning and bagging pace. Fortunately for the cash register and conveyor belt, Manager Tim sends me back to grocery to stock shelves with my extremely high eye-hand-can-of-food coordination. The aisles wince at the thought of my extreme stocking skills. Target acquired: Aisle 3A--Mexican, Asian, Kosher--prepare for extreme stocking. Shelves rumble as I pile can after can, tortilla after tortilla, to extreme heights. After what seems like an extremely long time of jamming shelves, I hear an extremely loud message over the PA system, "Kyle to the courtesy booth please, Kyle to the courtesy booth." Like Batman to his spotlight, I race extremely fast to answer the call to help. "You rang?" I ask extremely. "Go ahead and clock out. Go home early." What an extreme ending to an extreme day.
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I like your repetition of the word "extreme" in this post because it aids in exaggerating the sarcastic tone that you create. I too wrote my blog about my job, and found it quite enjoyable gaining the ability to mock my seemingly unimportant assistance. Maybe these tedious jobs would seem more interesting if everything really became this extreme.
ReplyDeleteKyle I am in a state of utter shock right now if what you have narrated is true. How can Heinen's merely pay the minimum wage to most employees if their jobs are this extreme? I believe that you and Cashier Linda need to demand a pay raise at such an indignation. Furthermore, your situation greatly reminds me of that of Mr. Arthur Weasley. A likable fellow who must deal with the absolutely extreme task of hiding millions of wizards/witches from the muggles yet receives a dismal salary. However as I stated before, you, unlike Mr. Weasley, should demand a raise.
ReplyDeleteKyle, I found the extremely sarcastic tone you use rather refreshing. Like Anna said, having the ability to mock and intensify the most normal, everyday tasks adds a little excitement to the day. And who knows? Next time you engage in such activities, maybe they will feel more extreme. However, I do not think people could get through a day of the extreme, with all their normal activities enhanced to such extents; it would be exhausting.
ReplyDeleteLike Anna and Abby have both mentioned, your extreme repetition of "extreme," along with the extremely sarcastic tone certainly make this piece of writing magnificent. I really enjoyed you're extreme adaptation of such a normal day. Furthermore, I find it extremely comical how you make the simplest tasks so extreme. I think you answered the question extremely fully, without a doubt. Overall, I really enjoyed reading this piece, and as you mentioned in your comment on my blog, comments can be extreme as well, so I tried to mimic your extreme writing with this extreme comment.
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