Dear Kyle,
Take a break from riding your Razor scooter around the driveway imagining the X Games will add it to their set of events. They won't. Instead, turn on some music (not your dad's Sting Fields of Gold album either), turn on some real, bumpin' music. In your future I foresee an awkward kid with disproportionately large feet that wears Teva shoes everyday. This skinny tween will awkwardly attend dances and social events throughout middle school and awkwardly stand on the outskirts as friends bunny-hop through the masses of pre-puberty middle schoolers. Not on my watch. Call me your Guardian Angel, Dance Mom, Randy Jackson, whatever. I am here to help. As your dance-training, confidence-boosting, awkwardness-relinquishing Made coach I know a little about your foot skills (or lack there of). Ahead of you lie days of posting videos on YouTube of your dancing feet filmed at sleepovers. Until then you suck at dancing. Your hips, unlike Shakira's, most definitely lie. You reluctantly shake your money maker, humps, or laffy taffy. And never have you snapped yo fingers, shoulder leaned, or leaned wit it and rocked wit it with any intentions of those actions looking like dance moves. Well guess what. That won't cut it at the fast approaching sixth grade dance. And guess what. Your mom won't splurge to pay for dance lessons with Dick Blake. Now that I have your attention you will need a mirror, a smooth surface (wood floor, linoleum, tile, or flattened cardboard), and Chris Brown's recently released debut album playing on your purple Walkman. Feel the beat! Can you feel it? Like most white males your rhythm is tragically undeveloped, but you have to understand the beat and the bass of the song. Nod your head, tap your feet, bring sexyback, anything to help you feel the beat. Practice makes perfect so feel free to walk to a certain rhythm, stir cake batter with a song in mind, or clap at random in a coordinated pattern. Once your rhythm has developed the journey to dancing phenom proves much more smooth sailing. Study film, like MTV (I think they still played music videos back in '06), watch Chris Brown, Justin Timberlake, The Pussycat Dolls and perfect their moves. In no time your peers will encircle you to your awesome moves to Grillz. Until then, I plead you to dance, dance (word to Fall Out Boy for that one) until you can't dance anymore. Believe me, avoiding dancing until eighth grade because of its speculated uncoolness provided me with some uncomfortable encounters throughout my middle school years. Make adolescence a little less awkward and learn to dance.
Sincerely,
Your Future, Talented Self
I love how you incorporated all the top songs that we listened to in fifth grade. Honestly, they were the songs that taught me how to dance. I leaned, rocked, and snapped at dances and thought I was the hottest stuff around. At my old school, we had a weekely dance party at the YMCA called "Middle School Madness." Sounds lame, but they were the BEST. You definitely would need to sharpen your dance moves in order to be considered cool at my old school. But I think with Chris Brown's help, you could make the cut.
ReplyDeleteI honestly thought I knew you Kyle, until I read this blog. But in your defense, do not all young teens post videos of themselves on YouTube dancing? I will happily answer that question: no. The fact that you even knew how to upload videos to the internet disturbs me. I just never knew you were the Troy Bolton of dancing in middle school.
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