To the Illiterate and Desperate,
While I lack ethos in your area of concern (as I usually do the heartbreaking), I can point you in the right direction of a piece of early 20th Century English literature that will do the trick. To guarantee success however, your significant other must meet two tidbits of criteria: he must possess low self-confidence and a tendency for easy-manipulation as well as a dull, sub-five-syllable full name. You must also understand the preservation of your relationship depends on abiding to the following intricate process as closely as possible. Step one: time travel. In order for this magic, fiction-inspired process to work one must live in a society absent of social networking or the speed and ease of today's communication system. Additionally one must teleport back in time to a place of severe isolation with long, dark winters (Starkfield, Massachusetts for example). This new setting will eliminate your lover's ability to scan the market for single women via Facebook, MySpace, and ChristianMingle.com. Step two: temptation. Recruit a young housemaid that appears superior to you in nearly any way imaginable. Hire her to take care of your house and bribe her under the table to flirt with your boyfriend. Key point: know that you serve as the puppeteer in this process in order to avoid jealousy at all costs. Also, find a young woman so perfect to insure your significant other's falling for her. Step three: the smash-up. Encourage the pseudo-mistress to express a longing to sled down the town hill regardless of the risk of colliding with a tree. On the night your boyfriend finally succumbs to his new crush's wish of sledding down the tree-lined hill, have her propose a suicide pact so they can live on forever together a la Romeo and Juliet. Your boyfriend by this point will agree. Your hired girl must steer the sled towards a tree with no apparent fear, but immediately prior to impact she must brake with her feet to slow the speed of the sled to a velocity capable of injuring severely--not death. Conveniently, as your loved one and puppet girl lay unconscious in the snow you will scoop them up and nurse them back to semi-functional health back home. According to plan, your boyfriend will suffer temporary paralysis leaving him incapable of leaving you and your care, while your housemaid-turned-mistress will experience brain damage among other injuries to make her less appealing than you. Happily. Ever. After. Easily as that.
Best of Luck,
Ms. Serensky
PS Read Ethan Frome by Edith Wharton for more insight.
Kyle, I laughed out loud while reading your blog. However, I claim that caring for your disabled partner and his paralyzed lover does not prove more appealing than simply breaking up with your significant other, or staying in a one-sided relationship. Oh well - "Illiterate and Desperate" probably does not care.
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